All-new Featured Word!

The very last Featured Word I had included in the blog was burl. No-one managed to tell me that it meant to spin around or to go round in circles, like My heid's been burlin' with all the choices." It can also be said as burlie, as in "Ok, it's a dead-end here, so just do a burlie and then we can drive out of here." Again, might I mention the slackness of you (all five of you) all for not working it out.

Anyway, I heard the new Featured Word just this aweekend: piece. Now Americans, and depending on which subculture of the US you come from, we have a couple of different denotations for this word piece apart from the standard one (a little bit). For example, I would say, (yes, it's a hint)

"When things kick off, some fool will definitely pull out his piece."
(definition no. 1)

OR

"He was all up in the piece." (definition no. 2).

None of these American example can be applied to the British usage of piece, as in "He made himself a piece." Another hint!

So this Featured Word is wholly interactive. Americans, can you figure out the British definition of piece, while can you work out one of the US meaning, my Scottish, English, Irish and Welshees?

I *am* a foreigner, you know

Yesterday, Boy and I had a row. And I can't exactly figure out why. I certainly wasn't trying to wind him up. You see, it all started with the football...

I reckon he was a bit irritated by the Man U result. I was too, as I decided to throw my support behind the MUFC, as they were playing Chelsea, a team I hate even more than Manchester United. Well, they lost (stupid wanks - I'll never desert you again Arsenal). Anyway, on our way home, we were listening to the football commentary on the radio.

A little background knowledge: my knowledge of funny British rules of phonics has grow. For example, in place names, you drop the w with names ending with wich or wick. So Berwick is pronounced Berick.

So there's a place in east England called Norwich. So, according to the rules, it's pronounced Norich - easy enough. But the football commentator was discussing another football club that came from Northwich. First it was called Northwich (thereby not following the dropping the w rule), then Norich (dropping the w but also the th).

Upon discussion with Boy, another rule that I hadn't learned is that the th in North could be dropped; it happens in the word nor'easter. Fair enough, but if the th and the w in Northwich could be dropped, then wouldn't it just be said as Norich, just like the other place, Norwich?

So I asked Boy to explain this: how do they distinguish between the two places?

"Well, the names are different." He went on to say them, but they sounded exactly the same to me. I think he felt I was winding him up on the 13th request for him to explain it again, but I honestly wasn't. Perhaps there was a difference in pronunciation, but my little foreign ears, I ain't hear nuttin'.

Synopsis of episode "#blamediddy"

Today's blog will be written in the style of a TV synopsis, as found in such publications as TV Times or TV Guide

Starring Autumn, Boy, Mil, Fillee, Sarah-Dogg and Samantha-Dog

Autumn learns an important lesson about hash tagging after stumbling upon a thread in Twitter called #blamediddy...

This episode sees Autumn realising that, though she has not eaten anything in the last 24 hours, she does not have swine flu and really does have to go to work. Later, she realises that the ills of the world came from one source: the rapper Diddy. She continues to play destressor for Boy during Mil and Fillee's last night of their visit. However, Boy and Mil part with a kiss after a nice meal together, with everyone realising that they should blame Diddy.

Also, Sarah-Dogg and Samantha-Dog go on the exact same walk twice in the same evening. Too bad bitches - blame Diddy!

****

I have been thoroughly enjoying the #blamediddy phenomena that hit the Twitter on Wednesday, 4 November. Basically, it is Diddy's birthday, but instead of wishing him happy birthday, the Twitter community has been naming and shaming him on all the things can be blamed on him. I categorise these tweets in five groups:

1) Legitimate, realistic Diddy blames, which include

• the break up of Danity Kane (as well as other acts, including but not limited to Faith Evans, Total, 112, B2K, Day 26, Shyne, several unsigned artists) (not that I'm crying)
• Shyne getting deported
• Auto Tune

2) Potentially legitimate, though more surreal Diddy blames, such as

• the death of the Notorious B.I.G. and/or 2Pac
  
• inflicting Craig Mack and Dylan from Making the Band on the world
  
• Mase becoming a preacher
  
• JLo singing sad songs
  
• 40-year-olds doing the "Harlem Shake" (so sad, as I still do the Harlem Shake, as I only learned it two months ago)

3) Fashion Diddy blames: brothers wearing

• shiny suits
  
• thin ties
  
• mohawks (is Diddy rockin' a mohawk these days?)
  
• sunglasses in clubs

4) Non-legitimate, surreal Diddy blames:

• global warming or world hunger
  
• broken limbs
  
• when the internet runs slow
  
• somebody's cousin not learning English

5) And my favourite: Oh Snaps. These are particularly funny to me, leading to me giggle and say, "Oh SNAP!" as I read them. They include blaming Diddy for

• the wearing of white linen trouser by men. In December.
  
• the shortage of Cambodian breast milk (great reference to the dearly departed Dave Chappelle Show)
  
• for using up Harlem's entire supply of S-Curl products from 1998-2001 (just cold to hate on folks about their hair)

You don't like this post? #blamediddy

A maths lesson

1 smackhead decorator willing to work for peanuts found on Gumtree+ 1 crowbar + some cronies = Us - (1 brand new flat screen telly + 1 new laptop + 1 fancy watch) + big bill for door repair





While it seems

(Us - 5 hours waiting around) + 2 doughnut-eating cops + 1 indifferent fingerprinting dude ≠ our stuff recovered
thankfully

Good insurance company (can you believe that?) = new shit for us

Does no one else see it?

I know this is slightly TMZish, but I have said this for a very long time and Boy does not believe me. So I put it before you - don't they look, like, crazy-the-same?

A young Alfonso Ribero (AKA, Carlton from The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air and yes, this is the cover to his album!)


Manchester United footballer Nani

PS - Ha ha to Manchester United for losing to Liverpool! They were sitting ducks, for God's sake! You could have be the death knell to Benitez. Suckers!

Here I am, desperately cheery

Because I am a narcissist, I have re-read a tonne of my old blog entries and I am much, much cheerier. I am also very sad for my last, eversoslightly emotional blog entry. Considering my last entry was nearly a year and a half ago, that's not very nice, innit. So I've decided to play nice with your emotions. Or take them on some manic rollercoaster ride. She's low! She's high! What the fuck?

Anyway, cheery story... cheery story... have to give a cheery story... what do I say?... okay, here's one:

Last weekend, P had her birthday celebration on Sunday. She had it on Sunday cos I had mine on Saturday. I probably shouldn't have, but she was a sport about it all. She told me to show up at 2000. So that meant I was trying for 2030, but really probably getting there at 2100 or even 2115. She texts at 2035, where are you? I show up sharpish.

I didn't think you were going to be so late, she said. You're usually on time. I don't know what universe P rolls in, but I am never on time.

Uh, honey, you never heard of CP time? What? Oh, Latin time, says she (she's from Chile). I think we should agree to call it Brown People Time from now on.

I haven't been round this many Latinos since living in Durham. I didn't know enough Latinos, so I have no experience to draw upon, only stereotypes. But mama, why you gotta succumb to stereotypes? P and pals were telling me an amusing story about having 7 people in a car. You know that's how dumb white (American) Southerners think Mexicans roll, right? I am becoming alarmed by this chat.

We are going to the club in a taxi, right? Cos Autumn's booty needs space baby. I ask. Of course is the reply.

Liars! P's homeboy rolls up in his SUV, puts the back seat down at 7 of us cram in like sardines. What if we get stopped? I asked, nervously. It's cool cos Homeboy has blacked out windows (and the stereotypes keep coming).

We're at the club and I have to be pulled/rolled out of the back, though in the most dignified way possible (Latin men are very gentlemanly). And into the club. Oh, I forgot to mention: P is gorgeous. Lovely to look at, effervescent personality, skinny as hell, ridiculously tall (especially since she is wearing a pair of heels that frighten me) and can roll her hips in ways that make Shakira jealous. That night, I was playing the part of dumpy friend in clumpy heels. We all have our roles.

However, the music is R&B, hip-hop and rap. I am in my heaven. They even play How do you want it?, which is like, crazy stupid, cos I'm like the only person in the whole world that loves that song. And when the clock chimes 0300, and the lights come up, I make my way home happy. Mostly cos I know that unlike P and pals, I don't have work or any responsibilities in the morning.

See? Cheery, cheery me. Okay, not as cohesive as my past shit, but I'll get the mojo back. Just stick with me kids.

I gotta feeling...

My volleyball team seems to have a team song: the Black Eyed Peas' "I gotta feeling". I'm such like a grandma, every time that song comes on I turn to one of them and say, "Now who sings this?" I kinda hate the song, but I like the feeling it does evoke in us: pure joy, as it was played after we won a particularly intense game.

As I was walking the dogs, the old MP3 fired off 'Return to innocence" by Enigma and Enya. OK, no judgements about my musical taste - you should all know by know by now it's pretty shite. However, it reminds me so much of Okinawa and when I was in high school. The reminiscing was so overwhelming, I wanted to cry in the street. I think it was coupled with the knowledge that I would be going back to Okinawa for my first time in 16 years. I will make no qualms about it - I was a total gaijin when I lived there, but it was my home, innit. I lived there for almost 10 years. And you put your head round that: never going back home for 16 years. That's half a lifetime ago.

Boy thinks it's weird that I'm this emotional and I've only had one Japanese lesson and we don't go until April. True dat, but my multitudes want me to feel, so I listen. I feel a great sense of trepidation. This is where I'm from and yet, what if I don't remember anything? I don't know if I can really articulate it right now as I am literally in the middle of my emotional maelstrom and I'm going down. All I can say is that I gotta feeling...

Morgantown

Dandoo and Bumpy! Yay!

Vegas, again

I know, I know, it's crazy. Who visits Vegas twice in three months? There was a pretty good reason why I'm back this time, though. My pal Kirby has hooked me up with admission to a four-day teaching conference that was the bomb. We don't do anything like that back in Scotland. It was big-massive and I learned a helluva lot and refreshed a bunch of things in my mind. It didn't mean that I didn't enjoy myself though.


I'm completely knackered. Yeh, I did engage with the drink, but it's more than that. Every day at the conference was intense, with the lectures, reflecting on your practice, thinking about how to modify and augment my class and teaching. All the brain work was draining for the lot of us who attended. Save Kirby. Nothing stops that Energizer Bunny.

Her new thing is that she's into the gambling. She and her pals did the slots shortly before I arrived and won, so she convinced me and her guy, Beau, to chip in $7 to play. I hate gambling, as I might have expressed previously. I'm pretty sure I'm a cooler, you know, like the William H Macy film. I ooze bad luck, so I like to avoid stuff like that. But Kirby was convinced we win cos she's an anti-cooler or sum'ink. Well, my ability to cool overrode her good luck thoroughly.

Anyway, I'm meant to be boarding my plane so I'll end this now. I'm very thankful to Boy for letting me come back. Do you think he'll let me do it again next year?

London, Brighton, Atlanta and Beaufort

Friends, I have begun my US leg of my summer hols. I flew into Atlanta on the 7th and spent time with my brother. Then moved on to Beaufort, where my parents live and spent some time with them. I write to you from the airport, where they, thankfully, have internet. Going to my parents' place is like stepping back in the digital ice age. It's quaint, really.

I'm enjoying my time here and not as swept by nostalgia as I was last time I visited. It might be because I was visiting two places in the US that I would hate to live in. Beaufort is not a place for anyone except OAPs. My mother was so cute because she kept proposing endeavours, but really, there was nothing going on there. And Atlanta is much too busy for me. I think I'd rather live in London before Atlanta. And if anyone knows me, that was a major statement. London is interesting to visit, but, I would think, hell to live in.

However, I really enjoyed my time in London, the first leg of my summer hols. I went with VBP (Volleyball Best Pal -- I really should give her a better name) and we stayed in London with her pals, Vodka and Jager-Bomb. This will be their monikers because that's what they plied us with. V and J-B lived in a neighbourhood in London that an estate agent would call "up and coming". That can be translated into shitty in some spots. But I found the place really personable and within the city, so very interesting. However, I did view everything intoxicated, so I can't really talk. I avoided tourist spots in London (save Camden Town market) and ended up really enjoying myself. More evidence that philosophy of travel (not filling it choka of touristy things and engaging in more home activities) is the right one for me.

Bottom line, I've been relaxing at every stop and everyone's taking good care of me, so I feel loved and chilled. But at the same time, I miss home, Edinburgh, and my Boy and dogs. I'm a little knackered, which explains why I'm all over the place with this entry and why I didn't mention anything about Brighton.