Saturday, June 05, 2010

Saturday night telly, AKA Jonathan Ross is losing the plot

I am currently watching a TV show called "I'm in a rock n' roll band! Live" so bizarre that it makes me question ├╝ber-host Jonathan Ross's sanity to take on such a dog. The whole thing seems like some thrown together by someone only remembered on Thursday afternoon they were producing a Saturday night TV show.

"Quick - an audience!"

Having none available, it seems the producers used some good ol' British ingenuity and wheeled in an entire ICU floor of a hospital - that is how unresponsive and comatose the audience is. They were even incapable of bringing forth a good "Whoo". And I heard that those are well catching on in terms of popularity.

"Content!"

The point of the show appears to be to decide THE BEST EVER rock and roll band, as well as THE BEST EVER guitarist, drummer, etc. This could be an interesting topic in a conversation, but for a 2-hour show, this is a thin premise at best. Some might even substitute the word 'thin' with 'shit'. 15 minutes, at the most! They have padded out the show by asking "celebrities" to argue in favour of a particular band or person as THE BEST EVER!

First, to really honour this endeavour, please get A-list celebs or true music talking heads. Not just someone who kept raising their hand in the back, whining, "Pick me! Pick me! Pick me to talk!" In particular, I am speaking of Loyd Grossman arguing for Keith Moon as THE BEST DRUMMER EVER. Yes, the man who makes the shite sauces sold in Tesco. Sheesh. Also, a word about Miquita Oliver: there is no way in hell you knew anything about Nirvana in their heyday! God, I cannot believe I just used the words 'heyday' and 'Nirvana' in the same sentence like some OBG. I remember seeing the 'Smells like teen spirit' when it first came out in '91 and thinking, "Music will never be the same again." I was there - and here's this broad looking at Nirvana with these nostalgic specs like people of my generation might have looked at the Stones or sumink. What. The. Fuck?!

Actually, that rant was just me trying coming to terms with my own growing old, innit?

Anyway, back to the show. The second point: these debating people should always be comedians, as hearing someone stand in front of you, earnestly fighting for a cause is too much like listening to a dull vicar of a small church. Thanks anyway Edith Bowman, but we need a professional to make us laugh to get through this without falling asleep! But also, don't just get any old nob - you need a GOOD comedian. Vic Reeves couldn't have taken on a primary school child in a debate with that amateurish, completely unfunny argument in favour of Jimi Hendrix. Rufus Hound arguing for Slash as THE BEST GUITARIST EVER had me at hello - and I love Hendrix.

"Music!"

Ah, the tribute bands. It is a bit like taking candy from a baby to dog on the bands, but me like candy! The Beatles tribute act was probably the best because they decided to take the simplest approach and sing in Liverpudlian. I know I'm making the accent sound like a language, but it is pretty much the case - have you ever spoken to a person from Liverpool? The Led Zep band was OK, but the biggest problem was the lead singer exuded exactly one ounce of the charisma and sexual energy of Zepplin's lead singer. This faux Robert Plant would have been better stationed at the front desk of the library, telling people to quiet down, then blushing. I loved the Queen tribute most of all, just for the lead singer's complete dedication to the Freddie Mercury moustache without looking one bit like him. Just imagine him dropping his dry cleaning up or doing the school run, sporting that Freddie/Tom Selleck 'tashe! Pure dead brilliant!