Weekend at Perth: Sunday's tweets explained

@[autumn] Ladies, there's a lotta quality on the Dundee team. And in case you don't know wot I mean - #phwoar #sovt2011

Yeh, well that one pretty much says wot it does on the tin, innit? And they were dead yummy some of those dudes.

@[autumn] Polonia Jets 5th place match - noisy affair & fun. Now in the library for the women's final. Shhh, mustn't make noise or enjoy it. #sovt2011

I always find the crowd's response to volleyball very disheartening. Volleyball's such an exciting game, so constant with action and tension, and how people cannot be swept up in the drama of it is beyond me. The crowds here are pants: unresponsive and disinterested. And dead quiet, thus explaining my library jibe (no, they were not actually in the library playing). On the other hand, before watching this silent women's final, I was watching Polonia Jets play a German team. Now I am biased as they are a part of my club, but Polonia are really great to watch. They cheer themselves on a lot and seem like they thrive on the noise. They are probably considered pretty obnoxious for their clapping and noisemaking and I won't dismiss their obnoxiousness, but not for that reason.

@[autumn] But I obvs don't follow rules well. So I'll be the one shouting out the #shitchat #sovt2011

In the past, I have been an announcer at volleyball matches; once, I announced all day during the finals of the Scottish Cup. It's probably better to refer to me as a colour commentator, cos I actually don't do any proper announcing very well. Me as an announcer calling players on to the court is usually the auditory equivalent to the video game Pong: all over the place. But to be honest, that's my style: chaotic, full of the shit chat and exuberantly reacting to a play - basically, how I am in real life. Anyway, I was not announcing at this game, but I was using my odd announcing phrases to cheer on teams. Generally, Oh, SNAP! works in any situation, as well as a cry of Yahtzee! A great hit could also be greeted with BOOM!: simple, yet effective. For a block: Someone built a wall at the net! Slightly odd, but funny to me is As my Daddy down in Georgia way would say, "Lord have mercy!" My all-time favourite interjection is also inspired by a one-liner by my father: "He got beat like he owes somebody some money." So after a really great play, I will shout out, Just pay him back his MONEY!! Yes, I did chuckle as I typed in my own shit chat.

The worse thing is that most of the places I have "announced" in have horribly shitty sound systems. So all anyone ever hears and sees is some odd woman with frizzy hair and a mic, jumping up and down, making word-like noises, like Juhh uh-uh uh uhs JUUUHHHH!! I think I kinda need to give up the shouting and announcing, particularly in the spirit-free environs I tend to do it in. It just feels kinda like a minstrel show or something, as if I'm Sambo hyucking it up for the indifferent Man.

Hmm... leave it to me to turn a little nothing into a whole big something about race.

@[autumn] C'mon - consider moving the men's final match up a bit? FBS 1545?? You're joking! #sovt2011

There was an hour between the women's final and men's final and I found that personally ridiculous. FBS = First ball served, as in that's when the game begins.

@[autumn] I even offered Xxxxx Xxxxx a Tunnocks caramel wafer to move the men's final even 15 mins earlier. No go. #sovt2011

So I decided to take matters into my own hands regarding the game's start time. I approached a game official with the offer of every British granny's favourite biscuit. Cos no person under the age of 75 ever buys Tunnocks caramel wafers and no person under the age of 60 can resist one. And if you are under that age and in possesion of one, then you were obviously gifted one by your granny or great-auntie. Obviously, the referee was very ethical and declined my offer. Later, Tunnocks retweeted my comment on the Twitter.

@[autumn] Doing my all to fill #sovt2011 Twitter feed to the brim with inane #shitchat. How'm I doing?

Pretty successful, I'd say.

@[autumn] But Should I feel bad I'm at Perth and didn't play any volleyball? I mean, nobody is expected to go to Glasto and sing all the songs! #sovt2011

Maybe SOVT officials should rebrand the tournament as a festival like Glastonbury? I think it would bring in more people outside the insular, incestuous community that is Scottish volleyball, whether it be spectators or players. And then I'd obviously not feel bad for schlubbing around and not doing any physical activity on a weekend dedicated to it.

@[autumn] Glasgow Mets no 11 looks less like US 400m Jeremy Warrander now with longer hair but still qualifies as #doppelgängeralert #sovt2011

One of my more obscure alerts, to be sure. I'm sad about that cos if you actually knew who I was on about, you all would be going Dang, she's right! He do be looking like that boy! With the poor grammar and everything.

@[autumn] Glasgow I'm determined to leave here with no voice. It's on. #sovt2011nensindoorfinals

Last year, I completely lost my voice and could not even go into work on the Monday. I actually started to lose my voice on the Friday, the first day of the weekend, in the car on the way up to Perth. This year, sadly, only a gruff tickle was to be had.

@[autumn] Things I learned at Perth, 1. Slow quicks can, amazingly win points. #sovt2011

Ooo, this is kinda hard to explain without some visual representation, so thank god for YouTube. It can be a pretty spectacular play, seeing the hitter throw the opposition's defense off-guard by the setter setting the ball quickly behind herself and the hitter switching her position to hit. But only if completed quickly and sharply. Which is not what I saw. And yet, the slow manoeuver variation won points and that's me learned.

@[autumn] Things I learned at Perth, 2. A person will kiss their own biceps with enough shouting of "Kiss the guns!" #sovt2011

During Friday's drunken stupor, I bet Dyvie's boyfriend a tenner that he would not, after hitting a ball, kiss both of his arms in a kissing of the guns motion. I underestimated the lure of a few bob, for he did it. Repeatedly and without receiving any more money, only from me loudly insisting on him doing it. I also underestimated Dyvie's man's threshhold of embarrassment (level: low).

@[autumn] Things I learned at Perth, 3. One can be completely exhausted after a weekend of *not* playing volleyball and doing bugger all. #sovt2011

Friday night broke me and I barely drank on Saturday night.

@[autumn] Things I learned at Perth, 4. The cool box won't cool without ice in it. #sovt2011

Actually, that's something some of my compatriots learned. But the uncool box made a lovely seat for someone's bum around the BBQ.

@[autumn] I want some syrup with that pancake! Awesome pick-up, Mike Penny. #sovt2011mensindoorfinals

For you non-volleyballers, a pancake is a last resort defensive move players use. It takes pretty good timing and skill; lots of people will attempt it, but few will do it well. And the crowd was privvy to an exceptional one at the men's final in Perth. Now yeh, I said that don't do Christian names on the blog, but I made an exception with this one for a couple of reasons. One, I don't know this guy, so it's unlikely that he or anyone he knows will know that I'm be talking about him and thereby his anonymity should remain that. Two, if I managed to retrieve a ball with a pancake like this boy did and my team win a point from it like his team did, I would want my full name, social security number/National Insurance number, date of birth and parents' names published beside that achievement it so everyone could clearly identify me! Basically, the man deserves his propers - it was totally badass.

@[autumn] to @[pal-macca] You know what I'm missing here at #sovt2011? The smooth stylings of one Xxxxx X'Xxxxx. Guess his MI5 work has take him away.

The guy to which I refer is Macca's friend Bezu, probably the coolest cat in the world. He just lanks around the place, oozing coolness and genuine niceness. Then he gets on the court and goes crazy. But he travels quite a lot for work and never really talks about it, so I imagine him to be a spy. I totally can see it too cos he's so motherfucking cool! Anyway, he's another reason why I have such a girl crush on Macca: only cool people can be pals with cool kids.

@[autumn] Kisses and hugs exchanged to mark the end of #sovt2011. Two fingers pointing to the right, to the right means see you next year. So ->->

As I was going, I could see this kid I first met last year, waving at me through the window. This kid introduced by a mutual acquaintance who described the kid as a "little bit dyslexic". Our mutual friend took it back when he realised how un-PC that was for a teacher like him to say. Anyway, the kid and I met up again this year cos I brought him back his camp chair that I saved from the skip at the last minute - I kept that bloody chair for a whole year.

So the kid was waving at me through the window and I was to him, both of us not really understanding what the other person was meaning. Finally, we came to the door. "What?" I said. "See ya next year," he smiled. "Oh, so that's what all that means? Two fingers pointing to the right means see you next year?" The kid shrugged: "I guess so." I guess so indeed.