Friday, March 10, 2006

Gettin' into trouble

So... pulled aside by the depute head-teacher today. She's got a list. Uh-oh. I hate, hate, HATE to be confronted. Why can't people send a text or email these days? I do much better in those mediums. I can't handle people confronting me with loads of things, demanding answers. My instinctive response is flight, even when I have no reason to flee. But I know I can't flee, so I want to get emotional, and I can't do that. So I just nod, seeming passive and unknowledgeable.

Back to the head: Have you done this? Yeh. And this? Yes. And what about this? Actually, yes. Oooo, things not too bad. Might be able to handle this confrontation, make it out with out any wounds, guilty feelings or resentment. But haven't got to the end of the list, mind. When she sees me reading over her shoulder, she skips the second to last and saves it.

Eating While Teaching, it said. And? I thought. Saw me with a yoghurt the other day. Yes, you're busy during the break, but that is when you should eat, not while teaching. It's not... professional. And I thought I would be able to exit this confrontation, I mean, conversation without feeling like a moron. How naive.

After she left, I realised what made me feel so annoyed. She has come to confront me about being unprofessional because I was eating a yoghurt while my pupil was reading. But she was the one that had all the teachers holed up in the gym hall for twenty minutes to take an unwanted group teachers' photo with NO-ONE MINDING THE CHILDREN. That is not only unprofessional, but a child protection issue, don't you think? And all my other colleagues come back five, or even ten, minutes late from their break, leaving their pupil alone in the classroom with no direct supervision. Interesting how that is a preferable thing to do than to eat my yoghurt and teach because I want to have the maximum amount of teaching time with my pupils.

But of course, I'm too stupid to come out with a way to say this that would be... professional.

And she has pulled me to the side to talk to me about this WHILE I AM TEACHING! Can you see what is important here? I really need to find another position. I am getting increasingly angry at myself. I was duped. I didn't even want this job, but I thought I would go to the interview. The head-teacher won me over with his conscientiousness. He seemed on the same page with me. I said inquiry based learning, he said yes. I said authentic learning experiences, he said indeed. But I don't work with him and I never see him. I work with her... and she wasn't in on the interview.

So I skulked into the staffroom. Two chairs: one next to teachers that I know would ignore me, one completely pulled away. I went for the latter because of my mood. And not one teacher encouraged me to join the group.

I used to believe that this school wasn't for me, but I know that isn't the case. Now I know that I am not for this school.


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