And that's all I'm going to say

I'm embarrassed that I'm even writing about this, but it has to be said. I'll say it once, saying my peace, then it will all be out.

Tom and Katie...

Well, since I only have one shot, I'd better be organised about it.

My opinion on the photos
So there's been a big stink over here about the official wedding photo, as the third Mrs Cruise is two inches taller than her new husband. Katie Cruise is now destined to spend the next 2-5 years (depending on the oddsmaker) with bad posture, as you will notice here. Or with incredibly developed quad muscles from walking around in a continual half-squat. Or in the background in all the pictures. Susan Sarandon very helpfully revealed the secret of that photo over here on UK telly: "They probably dug a ditch for her to stand in." And that says it all.

My opinion on the vows
It's been reported that in the ceremony, it was explained to the megastar Tom Cruise that little ol' Katie might need, "clothes, food, tender happiness and frills, a pan, a comb and perhaps a cat." Yes, these words are slightly odd, but if you think they are weird, then you haven't been to a wedding recently. People are doing all kinds of crazy shit,. like having everyone in the congregation take a stone, then in the ceremony sending all their wishes and hopes for the couple to them via the stones. Or having the maid of honour encircle the couple flower petals. I mean, how pretentious is that.

The thing that really rankles me about the vows is how limiting they are. A pan? A cat? For fuck sake, what if she can't cook? And what if she's a dog person? There she is, stuck with a Calphalon wok and damn cat. Anyway, the words are very sexist. Man get frills for girl. Girl, in silly, typical girl stupor, wraps them around cat. Why don't they just say that she has to obey him, like all other sexist -- er, traditional -- vows? I'm obviously under the mistaken impression that, as Scientology is a modern religion, it might have thrown off the sexist shackles (among other shackles) of all the other, older religions.

Anyway, marriage is overrated. Ask Boy's grandma, who thinks everyone should just live together.

Back from the motherland

Arrived back yesterday. Doing better than I expected, but still didn't make it in for the first day back at work. Just couldn't do it. I spent more than a year (since my last trip to the US) integrating into Scottish life. 10 days away and now I'm a foreigner again. It's weird. I just couldn't bring myself to face people and have conversations. I am, again, a stranger in a strange land.

Most of the time I tend not to look on my former American life and those who current live their American life (not you) with favour. And you should know why. If not, here's an abridged list: your President; his foreign policy; his domestic policy; the lemming-like support to the war (especially in the area in which I lived); utter cluelessness of other cultures other than American; enormous, gas-guzzling cars; ignorant and racist rednecks; politicians that let the rich get richer and the poor get poorer; the customs official in Minneapolis who welcomed me "back home"... don't make me go on.

I have found that there is one thing I miss about that stupid American life: familiarity. I know that I'll always get my favourite foods; know how to get somewhere; know what someone means and, if not, being ask; good service at restaurants; a thousand varieties of anything at every store. I know it's nostalgia talking, but it didn't help being there and seeing that it was all true.

Coming back into Edinburgh brought me back a wee bit. There are two queues coming off the plane, one for citizens of EU states and other European countries and one for other people. Two people huffily joined my queue when they were redirected by customs officials. "Excuse me," the American man said, "Why are we being sent here?" "Yeh," chimes his daughter. Reason was explained. "Well, how are we to know that?" he asked, indignant. The same way all the other people in the queue knew -- by the sign at the entrance of the queues. The daughter snorted at this, as if this was the most ludicrous thing she had ever heard of. I won't miss those kinds of Americans.

Unfortunately, they seem to populate this place.

Still here

Doing lots of touristy things, mostly for Boy's sake. Went to a "luau" yesterday and Boy couldn't eat anything! Ah, land of po'k is good to me. Did da shave ice as well in Haleiwa, on the North Shore. Long trip, but worth it.

Here in the land of po'k

We have arrived after a 26-hour ordeal and are feeling surprising normal. Which means that we will be fucked on the way back home. Guaranteed. Och, well, I'm in paradise, so I'll somehow get over it.

In paradise, it's pissing it down. It's like I've never stepped foot off the British Isles. I'm back in Edinburgh, this time with palm trees, people dropping their Ts ("T'ank you for flying Nort'west."), and big cars. The cars are massive, can I say that? I'll just get this off my chest right now. Everything here is massive. Even the little place that my cousin (who we are staying with) stays in is massive.

The plane ride was pretty shite. When the hell did they get rid of the food on flights? They were hocking sandwiches for a fiver on our flight from Minneapolis to Honolulu. What is this, Ryanair? Tight buggers. And since when is Northwest known as NWA? I was crying with laughter each time they advised us to "book our next flight on nwa.com." Who'll be our pilot for that flight -- Dr Dre or Ice Cube?

Anyway, glad to be here and ready to eat massive amounts of pork (or po'k, as it is called). Ready for the adventure to begin.

Me 30th

The pictures are finally up. You will be able to see that I and my pals thoroughly enjoyed ourselves. Click the link on the right (Shutterfly) to get to them.

I've been really busy since the party and we are supposed to be getting up in two hours in order to get our plane to Hawaii. The Boy and I can never seem to get ourselves together properly and always stay up the night before travelling. We're like children before Christmas day, or sum'ink.