Saturday, May 22, 2010

The British breakfast

There is one thing I lament about life here - the one thing I miss truly and deeply: the breakfast eatery. God, was I spoilt in Durham with great places such as Elmo's, George's Garage (RIP, my love), and Foster's Market. But the all-day breakfast joints like IHOP and Denny's are what most Americans are used to. And there are certain nuances to all American life that have brought about the popularity of the breakfast joint to points across the good ol' U-S of A.

One of these nuances that you might not realise is that breakfast joints need to be open at all hours to cater to the States' more heterogenous population - plus, fat people demand to be fed at all hours. These breakfast places are there in the early afternoon to serve friendless gamers and smackheads. They are there in the wee hours of the morning to serve the party people leaving the clubs and pubs. They are there early in the morning to serve the families and people who were not out there on the pull the night before.

You see my European friends, in comparison, there are really only one type of people in these here British Isles: steamies on the pull. No matter what their relationship status, the people of Britain can be boiled to a classification of wastoids trying to score on Friday-Sunday nights between the hours of 2200-0400. They think if they change their FB status to 'It's complicated! :)' right before heading out for the night that will prevent their husband/wife/partner/bird/bloke from going mental when they come home with chlamydia. Actually, what's going to save them is that said husband/wife/partner/bird/bloke were out doing the exact same thing.

Anyway, what was I saying about breakfast? Despite the inferiority of the meal, the British are devoted to their idea of breakfast. In a strange mirroring of its homogenous race, the breakfast is a pretty standard affair across the country. It must be greasy. It always has a ridiculously high meat-to-egg ration: bacon and sausage and, depending on where you're from, black pudding or haggis, with only one egg? People, please! A half a tomato, grilled, is a given. You will probably get mushrooms (yick) and definitely baked beans - yes, you heard correctly. The British ascribe mystical powers to this meal: it has the power to cure a hangover and it is healthy for you.


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