Wednesday, April 19, 2006

Miracles and other British stories

TI's song "ASAP" sounded out from my mobile -- Boy's ringtone. It's meant to be ironic, as the Boy has no clue about doing things as soon as possible. Been talking to Rory the Mortgage Guy -- he says RtMG's name with our usual disdain (thinking about adding a Noo Yark 'pppt'-spit at the end of that). Rory didn't sound positive about the Valuation Dude's valuation. Remember, we were looking for £150K -- quite a feat, considering the flat selling above us, with better particulars, is looking for a £130K sale price.

And the valuation? A quite unbelievable, staggering and astounding £148,000. Just enough for us to remortgage everything -- the loan and mortgage. I shall say the obvious now: holy shit! Somebody musta had the biggest prayer chain going for us. Like Hands Across America for Their Mortgage.


Okay, this story in the Guardian from a few days ago amused me and I have to share it with you. The British National Party, a political party, is divided over the candidacy in a local election of one of their members, Sharif Abdel Gawad. Just imagine if the KKK had a political party in the US. Obviously, they wouldn't be able to go around burning crosses in lawns. But they would espouse completely racist ideology and policy. (Shit, aren't I just talking about the Bush administration?) Well, that's the BNP.

And the story gets better. See, the people at the top of the party realise that overt racist sentiments will not get them votes and they are trying to appeal to a general audience. They are the people who would say, "Some of my best house cleaners are Black!" However, down in the grassroots, they are old and racist and itching to put on their proverbial white hoods and burn some crosses. They don't want no coloured dude running for office under their name.

In Mr Gawad's defence, the party's issued statement says that he is a "totally assimilated Greek-Armenian". Well, he doesn't look like it to them (or to me either). Mr Gawad, you stupid, stupid man, it doesn't matter where you're from, you've got to know that you're just a towel-head to them.


The British try to act like they don't care about the movies and Hollywood and that they are above it, as they spend most of their time on their country estate walking about in their wellies with their spaniels (English scenario) or are too busy robbing some old pensioner of his last £3 (Scottish scenario), but they are just as celebrity mad here.

I don't want to give any more press to self-absorbed, unnaturally young-looking people (unless it is myself), but two people have just had a baby yesterday. And they have given it a sweet, slightly absurd Hollywood name, which the British will undoubtedly view with laughing contempt. Americans will poke fun at Southerners by calling them Bubba and the British do the same.

    Mock names for British white trash: Kevin or Tracy
    Mock names for posh English: Tarquin or India
    Mock names for Americans: Chip or Tad.
Don't think any American has meet anyone anywhere ever called Chip or Tad, but this is the idea that British have of us -- that we name our children after bits. I personally get a lot of praise for my name, much more here than in the US. This is mostly because Autumn means something, where in the US, it's just an alternative name for something else. It's like the word shag. It's really rude to use over here, but in the States, it's a weirdly jokey word. Shag, shag, shag. I'd like a shag. Doesn't mean a thing to you, does it? And neither does this: you bloody wanking tosser twat! (No, I don't want me to translate that.)

Anyway, back to celebrity babies and their names. So what is the media's response to it? Obviously, to issue (or reissue) their "Match the crazy baby name to their crazy celebrity parent" quiz. Some names are well known, as they are so bizarre, so downright wrong that we thought about calling Social Services -- Pilot Inspektor (usual in the fact that his parents spell like 4-year-olds) or Moxie Crimefighter, instantly spring to mind -- that it reduces the quiz to near pointlessness. Anyway, here's the Guardian's. I got 10 out of 10. This really has no reflection on me, merely indicating the effectiveness of the media.


Anonymous Amah said...

I tried the baby names and got 4 of 10, would have been 2 of ten but just learned about the first two the month. Remember, it's the parents' "right" to name their child, it's the child's right to change it if they can't stand it and can afford it. V glad you didn't change yours :-)

Thursday, 20 April 2006 at 22:41:00 BST  
Blogger svetlana said...

here's my lame result:
You scored 1 out of a possible 10
Hopeless. The laws of probability say you should have picked at least two correct answers, even without any knowledge of the subject whatsoever. On the upside, you are probably a sane and balanced human being.

Friday, 21 April 2006 at 00:46:00 BST  
Blogger Zandra Towns said...

I got four out of ten. some of the names weren't that bad but of course I like funky names.

Saturday, 22 April 2006 at 18:09:00 BST  
Blogger Autumn said...

Some are more British-based, I know.

Saturday, 22 April 2006 at 19:37:00 BST  
Anonymous a.t.w. said...

"totally assimilated Greek-Armenian"? love it. i think that next time jesse jackson runs, his plea should include this 10-star white word. "totally assimilated African American." maybe then he would win. in fact, i just got an offensive email from a co-worker this week about how all we peeps of color need to assimilate like our presidents of olde told us we should.

as for a lass from tad and chipville who knows nothing about celebrity hoo-ha, i scored 5 out of 10, which proves why i scored high in math on my SATs. edumacated guesses, my dear. although some of them were easy guesses... like coco clearly belonged with courtney cox even though i mistook courtney for that blonde girl named carmen or something. and pixie clearly belongs with a non-american like bob. however, i was quite shocked about moses. i would think those sallow skinny folks would choose something more...whitish. but the real shocker was Elijah Bob Patricius Guggi Q Hewson. that is just too good to be true. I spit all over the computer reading that. absolutely hilarious. it just has a *ring* to it. like a band name.

i'll have you know that the brdls plays with a black guy named satchel. and my pastor's daughter's name is scout, although he didn't get that from bruce willis...from harper lee. see, we're movin on up to poshville!

p.s. in reality someone should accuse americans of their real baby name crimes such as -taylor, madison, mckenzie, amanda, courtney, and the like. can we say "EW"?

Saturday, 22 April 2006 at 23:24:00 BST  
Blogger Autumn said...

I think that Chip and Tad are old ideas. They haven't moved on to real absurd baby names.

Sunday, 23 April 2006 at 21:56:00 BST  
Anonymous a.t.w. said...

btw, about The Mortgage Prayer Chain, that would be myself, your amah and diddy. YA KNOW IT!

Monday, 24 April 2006 at 07:16:00 BST  
Blogger Autumn said...

And thank you all so much for it, sister!

Monday, 24 April 2006 at 13:19:00 BST  

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